Here I stand: Alone and in Pieces.

“And when I lay on my last breathe, I hope my heart is wasted, gone–given piece by piece to everything I have ever loved. ” — Rachel, what I wish I could of said to bear, and …

if bear ever had the chance to talk to me…

He is my first companion, my unsolicited protector. this picture in particular is the look he’d give to his mom. his moms eyes only

July 17th, 2021 I lost a piece of me I will never get back. I lost the one thing I know for sure rescued me. In November of 2012 I saved this pup from being euthanized. I still have zero answers as for why that would have ever been an option for this guy, much less any reason other than fiscally, that he would have been in a shelter.

I won’t make this lengthy.

Dogs have this way about them. They love you unconditionally. We say that word often with such weak discourse. Unconditionally; this has such a heavy responsibility, yet it gets thrown around like it’s been fulfilled. This dog, Bear, the guy who would be so happy and hop on his hind legs and smile at any little enjoyment (ice cubes from the fridge included) loved me unconditionally (please stay tuned to understand the true meaning of this word). Safe to say I will not ever experience this ever again. Why am I so confident? I had my first, alone, by myself dog right before him. Taylor. She is, well, her own beast. She is awesome and has completely adopted all my irrational behaviors… poor thing. We are friends, loyal to the end, ride or die but not unconditional. Thats a whole level most will never feel or want to acquire as the giver.

Why?

Because you have to be selfless. Never once think about yourself in the moments of your person, companion, your love. Bear loved me. Until his last breath. And I will never be able to repay him. I guess that’s why unconditional love is so hard; to not only give but accept. God I pray I accepted his love appropriately. He was the best thing on four legs ever created. I know that. I feel that. Did I show it? Did he know it?

The loyalty this dog gave me is unprecedented. I have abandonment issues, death anxiety and just out right ridiculousness views on love. This guy prances in, no questions asked, ever… nothing is ever asked nor did he ever ask anything (never once did he ever ask to go out, he didn’t even lick, he did nod at your hand for more affection when you quit though, he was not a fan of quitters especially in the form of a heavy petting hand kind type). He loved me endlessly, effortlessly, and always no matter what version of myself showed up. He protected me without asking. F**k i love him. I always will.

He is a deep fiber in my being, I will never be anything but anything he ever wanted to have for me. I get so angry thinking about how short of a time I had with him. If I could I would choose him as my one creature for a life time. But I have read that sweet boys response to death in our pets, they have such short life because they don’t need second or third chances. They do it right the first time, always, every second even in the absence of love, most dogs love.. And when they don’t that’s through hard environmental pressures and training of us, the selfish, the demons in our kind. Amazes me.

Bear was and always will be even from the rainbow bridge a protector. Taylor and him were, nothing short of the closest any two beating hearts could be. Bear, oh my sweet bear. Until we meet again and run and talk and love, my sweet boy please give our sweet girl Kimmie some love.

Life is a funny thing, you think you have parts figured out, but only to have something that can’t even talk to you, humble you in ways that unless you put your self in such a loving vulnerable position, your just, one mistake away from arrogant, or you have arrived to the ignorance because its easier to be in the dark than the light. Thats why I guess its called a moment of truth. I chose light. I choose being tied to these profound feelings because i chose being vulnerable to life, to love; lets all be soldiers.. walk the planks of life through love. couldn’t say it any better than my pal, Albus.

Do yourself a favor and put yourself in position to love something that will love you back. I know its scary. But try to treat it right in your way. Don’t be mad at the love. Don’t take advantage of the love, let the creature love you that’s it no strings attached. And try not to take life out on it. Don’t be a dick. Yes I understand that’s sexist but honestly dicks can hurt. Am I right? Okay sorry. Trying to lighten the mood. Bear would of wanted me to live in my skin til my end like he did so dick jokes will oblige.

If Could rewind though, Bear, babe You’d be it.

“out of all these things I’ve done, i think ill love you better now”

Rest your sweet soul in peace. Love you bear. God speed.

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