Full disclosure: some may not like what I have to say, that is okay! the moment you do feel that, stop reading and move on with out any further thought.
Sometimes we get caught up in what could be, what we think should be, giving nothing to what actually is. Placing all of our energy and love (our only way of giving a piece of ourselves to anything) in an unrequited place. So here we go:
Its been a while, but its hammer time…
I have started a new chapter of my life, Stay at home Mom. Ironically, having more time has made me more busy. Im not a TRUE stay at home mom, I’m dreaming big there. I still have to make some cash, luckily I’ve landed this amazing job, that allows me to be flexible and work as minimal or as much as I can, for this too good for real life, woman. **full credit to my buddy Kayla. You da bomb for hookin a sister up and trusting me and my abilities**
This woman is unreal, not exactly sure how she does it all. But I am thankful she can’t do, literally, ALL of it, even though I know she will code something to help her accomplish actually doing it all one day (seriously she’s that amazing); until then I’m thankful because otherwise, I’d be out of this incredible gig– so, again, I’m super thankful that there are only 24 hours in a day 🙂
Okay, not the point of my blog….
Ive gone through some growing pains since we last chatted. I have dug; I mean dug HARD into my past. Good news, I’ve resurfaced… breathing. I know, hard to believe with the baggage I have created for myself. TRUTH! So, time for the real talk…
I have made some terrible mistakes, as I am sure many of you have, some readers are aware, while others have yet to realize these mistakes themselves, but it doesn’t matter, we all share one common thing, we feel pain. I am not ashamed of who I am, or who I was, even if it is hard to look back.
My anxiety found me a long time ago, mastered its grips, and never let go, constantly looking for cracks in my mentality to grow stronger, stay longer and become more of me, any chance it got. Sounds dark, but actually I’ve started to somewhat like my anxiety. Never thought that would happen. I’ve shifted, like the tides, or the plates beneath us, always moving ever so slowly yet never stops.
I am a good person, not that I need to proclaim this to feel better about myself, but to show how much I actually believe that FOR myself.
I love opinions, and I hate them. I am so tired of everyone always feeling the need to PRESS an opinion. Its truly amazing we can create the notion of an opinion, a thought, I love it. But let’s take a look at how this opinion originated… usually from outside influences, outside pressures. In order to actually be a person of love or acceptance, if you claim that, not all do nor care to be, good for you no judgement here, keep about your business and log off this blog, this shit ain’t for you, fam. If you want to have true acceptance, you need to first practice that on yourself. In other words, YOU DO NOT KNOW YOUR FUTURE. You are silly to think you have any control. Anything can come your way and how you perceive these things that come your way, could be good or bad; cancer, winning the lottery, disease, accidents, landing partner without an interview, financial turmoil, sexual orientation of a child, death of a young pet, free childcare, homelessness, divorce, being fired, being lied to, natural disasters, anything is attainable in your future good OR BAD, you do not know. Knowing that, that is acceptance. Knowing you could first hand be in the trenches with your worst nightmare, or be in the clouds with brightest dream, all of it, is acceptance. Do not belittle your potential worst nightmare, and don’t bat an eye at your brightest dream, no matter who is playing the role presently in front of you, even if you have yet to fill those shoes. No matter how many are there living out either road, the good or bad, doesn’t make it any less of a chance for you to run along side them, for better or worse.
You must not judge those in your “could be” worse, or act as a vigilante towards someone you see “grabbing” your dream. None of that will deter you for what you want to achieve, NONE. I repeat, other people’s lives ARE NOT YOURS FOR THE JUDGING. All you are doing is creating negative energy. And let me make this clear, energy is currency. Im sorry, but I will never again exchange my dollar for your hate. I choose to love myself for all that I am and all that I have been, even if it’s harder than seven two by fours trying to be karate chopped by a 6 year old on his journey to a black belt, to look back on. I choose to grow, learn and be better. I want to be kinder, love harder, learn how to hold other peoples hurt longer for them, I want to be all that I can in the eyes of ME.
It is so simple to be happy. You’ve seen it. The articles across facebook, snapchat dailymail, insta-stories edited out the wazoo, however you get your bogus comparisons to your own life. The happiest are the ones with the least. The happiest dogs belong to the homeless, the happiest kids belong to an under privileged country, and the happiest adults, well, I’ll leave that up to you to mad lib.
Be Real. Let the growing pains in. FEEL, and be okay about it. Other peoples lives, do not have to impact yours. You choose where your anger lies and breathes. NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL A THING WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. Be strong in the divide and weak in the herd. Know your people, struggle to find them, even through extreme pain, the alternative isn’t worth more than going through what you’ve been handed; find them and love them. Those who aren’t “your people”, love them anyway, even from afar and pain in your heart. Make peace, time is of essence and holds no prejudice. And most of all, be kind to yourself without letting yourself off the hook. Grow with the wind, as it changes so often. Hold strong in your roots, to remember you’ve come from almost nothing, and for the love of all that is holy, FORGIVE. Forgive yourself, forgive your family, forgive your friends, forgive those you don’t know or have yet to come across. WE ALL have harbored something we wish did not happen, stop ignoring it and give it attention. Give it life, so you can put it to rest, behind you, where it shall stay. Stop nurturing this pain, and feeling victimized. You are stronger, tougher, harder than what you are allowing yourself to succumb to, you are more than what you’ve survived. You are beautiful, in all that you are. And remember, I love you… I can say that because I love me 🙂
You can only be what you are, and that is seriously breathtaking.
Welcome to the good life. Own it, heal it, love it, live it. #eatthetaco