Full Disclosure: My husband is a rockstar– He cleans better than I do, always has our house in the right century, and has better style than me on my best day. He is what we call the whole package. So when I write about relationships you best believe that I’m just being petty… no just kidding. But on the real, my husband and I are more alike that we care to admit.
I am the worst. I have a real hard time with self talk. My self talk is always negative, you can bet your last dollar that how I approach myself is harsh and demeaning. I am not sure why, but I know that I am not alone in this, many can identify. Therefore, it makes me conclude that societal pressures make us this way. No blame at all on me, just kidding. I allow it. I let things and people set the bar for myself. Constantly shoving images of small waist people with filters to make their setting look vibrant. I’m all for a good picture but how we let our brains respond to these images is everything.
I’m sure as you can imagine, with this kind of self talk, its hard to believe anything good about yourself from the outside world. My husband will say how I look beautiful or how he thinks my legs look great in a certain pair of pants, ya know being nice. And he will follow up with “I know your going to say No I don’t but thanks!” and that’s exactly what I say. I don’t believe those words, but I am not a rude person so therefore you will get my manners and receive a thank you! So naturally I have created this harsh world I live in, alone, in my head. This world affects my relationships whether I like to see it that way or not.
Of course, on Valentines day, I thought this would be a great post. The point I am making is, I have the greatest man alive, made for me, seriously, I understand the cliché “soulmates”. (yeah yeah yeah I know its silly) He is there, loving me, and I don’t believe it. Because of my negative self-talk, nothing he is exhibiting or doing, but I do not believe it. Luckily, I am self-aware and therefore, it doesn’t turn into anger, or resentment towards my loved ones, especially him. I know not all are as lucky, the negative self-talk has settled deep, so deep, it’s hard to see anything else. Here is where relationships can break, and some are stuck in this awful cycle of self-loathing, and they don’t see it or know how to fight it. Hell, I didn’t for a long time, and even now IM STILL WORKING ON IT!
Now, for all you normal folk, who don’t have a wahoo of issues like myself ;), find the innate biological instinct of competition to be your downfall. What I mean is, usually a normal person who has responsibilities, likes to take care of them, and take care of them well. Well, when you decide to marry someone, these responsibilities become shared. And then you are doing this weird, delicate dance of who does what, when, and how without completely pissing the other person off.
Marriage: where cute things your partner does comes to die in the graveyard of annoyances. — I know that sounds harsh but, if you lived with yourself you’d feel the same way too. You start to figure out the extremely strange things that mean a lot to you. Some it may be putting the dirty clothes in the hamper, putting the dishes into the dishwasher instead of 2 inches from it on the counter or sink. For example, unpacking my children’s bags when we get home, is a big thing for me, I hate clutter. I literally have a list of things I NEED to have done right when I walk into the door: Gray-snack in chair, dogs-outside, Spencer-Bottle and nap, Bags emptied and put away, get dinner going. If I do not have these things done in a timely manner I set for myself, IT DRIVES ME INSANE. So, I have trained myself to have such importance tied to these things. Therefore, when the weekend comes and we take family trips to wherever, when my husband walks in I expect him to also have this extreme odd importance to my running list. Why would I do that? Who knows. This leads to the major divide: I DO MORE, I DID MORE. What a notion. To actually care more about HOW much you’re doing for the life you have chosen, the people you have chosen to be in it, over the one you have chosen to marry. Seems odd when I put it into words. Because when I am in the trenches of these emotions, I feel entitled to them. Its hard to take a step back when you’re in the thick of it, and realize how amazing it is to be able to accomplish the things you want. What I mean is this, if I find those things on my running list important, I should communicate with my husband of their importance, or options 2, I realize those things are not as important as the alternative, not having the entities attached to those tasks–like having children to have a bag to put away, to having food to cook and dirty dishes to clean. I know it seems simplistic, but really happiness is simple. You may have to train your mind to feel the positive vibes around you, as my husband would say, but that’s easy, because we know we can train our minds. Remember in the beginning of my post how my negative self-talk is prevalent, that is because I’ve trained my brain with outside stimuli to be negative by looking and comparing others lives to my own. We can train our brains to CHOOSE happy, you just have to find what makes you want to put in the effort to do it. Which brings me to, who needs motivation to feel happy, isn’t that enough it itself? Isn’t being happy the ultimate prize? I wouldn’t know, I’m still trying to figure out why I choose fighting words of frivolous objects over enjoying the people and moments using these said objects. I just last night was trying to figure out how to save more money by cooking more, being sufficient at both of my jobs, get quality time with my kids, exercise, and somehow sleep. It is doable, finding the drive to make it doable is my battle. Yours might be organization, or not knowing how to cook, or overspending. What ever it is, just keep trying. Keep trying to find a way that works for you, and stop looking at everyone else, concentrate on what makes sense to you, what your happy looks like.
And most of all, let love in. If someone says you look nice, chances are YOU LOOK NICE TO THEM. If someone says they love you, chance are pretty high THEY DO LOVE YOU, right in that moment they love you, be in that moment and be loved. There are plenty of things happening to fill your happy cup, as long as you remove the lid. AND MOST OF ALL, whatever is important to you in a relationship, COMMUNICATE IT. There is no reason to allow yourself to be angry or resentful or depressed about things like emptying the dishwasher, you haven’t said out loud, or campaigned for. You are in control. And if you’re not, you must change the environment to favor you having positive control, which is ironically, something you have some control over.