Am I Real?

A look inside the dark corners of your sanity.

The most genuine friends I’ll ever have

I woke up today, ready. I was ready for school, to start reviewing for their finals, to come home cook, and plow onward to a second job I picked up for extra cash. Well, 530 rolled around and my son had other plans for me. I gladly accepted. 

His throat sounded like a damn frog in the southern heat in the dead of the night. Can’t send him to the sitter coughing nasty with those other sweet babes. So I stayed at home. Here now on my couch, after a quick run to school to set my plans for my sub then back home, to ensure Grayson eats something before his morning meds. Successful. 

My morning rolls on and I get the little ginger ball down for her first nap. Gray and I take advantage of this alone time to make a couch fort, put a good movie on and chill. 

This moment has me. Has every part of me. Have you ever been in a moment and known this is a profound memory? It almost makes you question reality, and everything you have ever done or ever thought of, every word you spoke? Maybe you have no clue what I am talking about, I’m sure of it because I’m crazy and I get that a lot. 

Let me try another way around this:

You suddenly feel a rush of your mortality. 

I am surrounded by living loved ones that hold the inter workings of my core, my heart. Since the day I got bear (pictured in back, above), I have been thinking about the day I’ll lose him. Yes my brain works that way, Yes I know its odd, Yes I have tried to rewire, but ultimately I come full circle and death consumes my chambers. But, It helps me prepare for the unspeakable, and appreciate the now more than I think most are naturally equipped to. 

He was three, and skinny. He had been relocated twice already. It was a cliche connection. One you’ve read about with embellished words. Five minutes pass and he’s in my car, on our way home. I did not ask my co-habitator (yes, better than saying my ex who now hates my guts) at the time if he would like another dog. I tend to do that. Nevertheless, bear found home with me. That day is a milestone in my life. That day I saw a traumatized being choose love anyways, regardless of the path he had endured. He is and will be the sweetest organism I will ever encounter (yes organism, I needed a broad term to illustrate a large pool of beings that he is sweeter than, plus I am a science teacher). Long story short, the time to follow includes battling heart worms, arsenic shots to the heart, little to no movement, bad break up, a bit of dark self-discovery of my own to happy ending with tiny humans running all over him. This dog never asks to go out, never asks for food, never licks, only comes when called, he is the most respectful, selfless creature. When I grow up I want to be just like him. Seriously though, if everyone aspired to be a little bit more like the bear man I think happiness would take over. 

My point is this: We all have an expiration date, yet we behave as if we will never perish. What is that?! We are aware of our fleeting breaths, but we act as if there is permanency of tomorrow. The delusion of “yolo” gives kids an excuse to make questionable choices, but see they make them not because they only live once, they take them because they feel the security of tomorrow. They use the concept of having so little time as an excuse to dabble in awful choices, guilt free, without fear BECAUSE OF TOMORROW. We put down the running shoes and pick up the cake because we can always try tomorrow #yolo, we put off that trip to Italy, its too expensive right now, maybe next year. Yet, we buy the newest iPhone like the next passing hour will imprison us and we will only get to have the things on our person #yolo.  We have created this misconception of only living once and yet we do not actually commit to the notion of impermanence. If we actually felt our mortality, then maybe we’d engage in more humanity. Instead of #netflixandchill its #volunteerandcheer I guess what I am saying is choose people, choose kindness without reciprocation, choose acceptance, choose now, be now and watch your life start to actually manifest the boldness of our bounds. It is here where regret dies. 

The Man The Myth The Legend himself, Be like Bear.

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